Till we meet again.

 Hey dad.. i still remember your young face smiling holding my tiny hands.. How forsaken were those days back then.. Flipping through the seconds of how much life we lived, too early you left, there maybe much more in my life ahead.. 

Meeting you was sweet and letting you go is too much.. Death is ugly, painful, cold and near.. Near as the sting of air you can't catch on your face and cold as no person could handle, carry or embrace.. Only god knows how, thats why he is the only hiding place..

Its amazing how you know how much memories you carry for someone only when they leave.. Happy moments and bad; all hurts the same.. Pictures never enough.. They say souls follow the living, how true is that; lovely, but never enough.. Whats beautiful is everyone around you, making sure you're okay, whats not is everyone not feeling whats within.. Their mouths always shut, though their eyes never fail to say it all.. Words down on paper may not repay you, but somehow they tend to chill the flames in your heart.

If one day you were pain, now you're a pain i wish never left.

Sometimes looking for you is the hardest or turning to someone who could cover up how much space you left.. Its too much space dad, how much people i try to fill in with never do.. Its only now i know how big is my loss.. I've always wondered how do someone cope after losing their father, now i know they moved on because they had to, but they've always failed to.. God only knows how much they tried..

Everything around me is suddenly so deep, sensual, reminding and so wholeheartedly felt.. i see you in my sister's laugh, my moms eyes and in every corner of my mind.. Wondering if you hear our prayers, see us kissing you in all your pictures.. Wondering if you miss us the same way we do..

I am sorry if i ever gave up on you, failed you or let you down, but if before today i didn't know what i was doing on this earth, now i know its for me to pass all that you taught me, the love you gave me, the unutterable sacrifice, see the world through your own eyes, so when i see you again, i could show you what I have been through, thousand miles I have walked in your shoes, everything and anything to make you proud.. 

Till we meet again.

بدون عنوان..

بقالنا كتير مكتبناش نكتب شوية بقى.. حاتكلم شوية عن رمضان، بغض النظر عن المسلسلات كلها حنختلف في الفايدة والمبادئ مع ان المفروض منختلفش في كده واكيد حنتفق ان مدفوع فيها فلوس كانت قضت على الجوع في مصر.. 

المهم بقى ان مش ده موضوعي، حد واخد باله من حاجة مختلفة ؟ احنا اتغيرنا كتير يعني بغض النظر حلو ولا وحش بس في تغيير.. يعني اعلان زي اعلانات موبينيل بتاعة بنجمع ببطئ في رمضان لو من 3 سنيين بس مكنش فكر يعملها ولو كان فكر كانوا قالوا انه مجنون او ان الفكرة بايخة ومش حتشد حد..

بس الفكر اختلف، الناس بدأت تطلع شوية من مفهوم العادات والتقاليد وبتحاول تغير في حاجات بتعجب وتشد وفي حاجات مبتعجبش حد .. بس احنا لسه برضه في نفس المشكلة.. الصح صح لو انا عملته وغلط لو غيري عمله او بمعنى اخر الغلط انا بس اللي اعمله لكن لو حد تاني عمله مستحملوش واحكم عليه..

احنا راقصين على السلم، لدينا الدين ولكن فاقدين للعقيدة، معملناش كفاية للآخرة وادناها حقها ومش عايشين مبسوطين في الدنيا ومستمتعين بيها.. مين علمنا ان الغلط ينفع لو محدش شايفك ومينفعش لو في حد موجود .. سواء كان حد في الشارع، حد اعرفه، حد معرفوش، حد بحبه او حد بكرهه.. يمكن علشان كده الحجاب كان مقتبل وفجأة مبقاش حتى محتمل؟ 

يعني احنا كنا خايفين من بعض مكناش خايفين من ربنا ودلوقتي مبقناش خايفين من بعض طب وربنا؟ العمل بنيته لو فسدت فسد العمل.. ولو صلحت صلح العمل وتهذبت النفس.. 

مشكلة معظمنا انه مش صادق مع نفسه، بيعمل الصح وشايفه طبعا صح وبيعمل الغلط وشايفه برضه طبعا صح او بيبرره لنفسه عشان ميطرش يكون منظره مش تمام قدام غيره فتفضل دايما نفسه عزيزة عليه ومش مكسورة.. طب ومين قال ان اللي بيغلط ده انسان فاسد؟ هو مش احنا في اختبار؟ هو مش الله سبحانه وتعالى خلقنا غير كاملين (يعني ناقصين، يعني بنغلط، يعني انسان يعني مش من الملائكة)؟ وامرنا بالاستغفار؟ والتوبة؟

عارف ايه علاقة كل ده ببعضه؟ انك لو متقبل الخطأ في نفسك وانك غير كامل لتقبلته فب غيرك وانه ايضا غير كامل.. جرب لما تعمل حاجة غلط تكون عارف انها غلط وتعملها براحة نفسية وبرغم تأنيب ضميرك بس بعدها تستغفر وتسأل ربنا يسامحك وتطلب منه يزيح عنك الشهوة في المعصية ويستر عليك فيها..

لو ده مجتمع بس عايز يشوف الحلو في الآخر فهو مجتمع ناقص وغير متوازن.. تقبل العيب في غيرك من غير ما تنتظر مبرراته، فهو مش مطالب منه يببرلك.. انا لو عملت الغلط استاهل منك تنوهلي وتساعدني باللي ربنا يقدرك متحتقرنيش ولا تحكم علي.. 

ومن النهاية انت شايف الناس زي ما انت شايف نفسك.. وحشين علشان انت شايف انك وحش وميتاهلوش يتحبوا علشان انت شايف انك متستاهلش انك تتحب، حلوين علشان انت شايف ان نفسك حلوة وبتحبهم وتحترمهم علشان بتحب وبتحترم نفسك اولاً وهي اولى منك بذلك.. 

انت بتضربني ليه؟ هو انا عملتلك يه؟

عنوان المقالة؟ لأ عادي بس دي الحاجة اللي وصلتلها انهاردة بعد يوم سواقة "مشاوير" طبيعي.. هو في ايه يا جدعان؟ لأ بجد في ايه؟ انا اتشتمت فوق الاربع خمس مرات ومنهم كانت ست كبيرة -من بتوع يلا موضة واعمل شعري وارَوش ويلا محدش واخد منها حاجة- وقفت جمبي بالعربية مخصوص عشان تقنعني اني مجنونة ومحتاجة مساعدة وبقلها معلش ومفيش هي قفلت معاها "ده حاجة ترارللي خالص" سايز ذا اولد جريفي وومن.. احلى حاجة اني اللي عملته اني كنت بعدل عربيتي عشان واقفة صف تاني في شارع المعسكر الروماني فطبعا موقف زي ده خلاني روحت فكرت ميتيين مليون مرة في طرق علاجي.. اما التاني كان واحد طالع من شارع داخل وحينزل يبصملي بالعشرة اني انا اللي داخلة غلط وانه هو ادرى والرجالة دايما على حق واسمعي كلام سي السيد والجو ده..

فا في ايه برده محدش جاوبني يا جماعة؟ انا سافرت الغردقة خمس ايام حسيت اني روحت الجنة.. ناس هايصة وجو جميل ومتفائلين وصدرهم رحب كده، مش دي الكلمة اللي بيقولوها على الناس اللي مرحبة برده؟ طب دول ايه الفرق انا مش عارفة، محدش فيهم واخد قلم في نفسه ولا بيبص لنفسه في المراية بعوجان -اصله جامد اوي واللوك ميكملش غير بكده- ولا حد كلمني وحش ولا ضايقني ولا انا ضايقت حد، بغض النظر طبعا عن ان المصريين زي العسل في التعامل في المطعم او عند الاوض او حاجة بس اول ما نشوف بعض على البحر التبرييق يشتغل، بس والله احسن مليون مرة من الاجانب هما اه الاجانب ولا كانك موجود ملهمش دعوة بيك بس برده اتميين..

المهم اني برده مفمتش في ايه ولا هافهم ولا عمرنا ما حنكون قاعدين في مكان كرتاحيين طول ما كل واحد قاعد باصص شزراً للتاني او بيشبه عليه عشان ينم وكده ولا طول ما الشارع ارض سباق وتحدي وانا اللي حعدي الاول يلا وكده.. انا بس نفسي انزل الشارع وانا مرتاحة واقعد في مكان حد يبتسملي معرفوش بعد الشر.. يعني مفهاش حاجة لو يوم انت نازل رايق تستحمل واحد راجع من شغله تعبان يمكن ربنا يفتحها في وشك في حاجة ولا حاجة او حاجة..

انا عارفة ان اللي بيكتب المفروض بيوصل استنتاج للقارئ في الاخر بس انا بعتذر اني معندييش عشان انا محتارة في الناس وف اسلوب التعامل معاهم ف اللي يعرف يريت يقوللي، بس حل يكون بعيد عن كبري دماغك واقفلي الشباك بلاش سلبية حضرتك منك له.. 

اما بالنشبالي حروح اشوف ادور على كتاب اقراه في اساليب التواصل او حاجة يمكن الاقي حاجة كويسة اقدر اطبقها واعدي بيها الناس اللي حتولع في بعض دي او الحق اشوف حاجة لعلاجي عشان انا ترارللي وكده.. 

 واخر حاجة بقدملكوا اهداء اغنية انت بتضربني ليه للفنان  هشام
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnyixXEvQtQعفيفي وشكراَ..

 

See.. where we go..

He sat there lonely, uninterested as he watched the whole world passing by and nothing stopping for his apathy. They say everyone has a story, he thinks he is a whole bunch of stories of everyone who once touched him; deep down his soul. He writes thousands of words that are barely understood, or taken at depth. Do you know how artistic things could get? Writing gets him feeling the words through his hands, every letter is bound to the next; a train is built, a story is yet structured. Words carry so much meanings people don't get. A book that is written in months, or years is read in days. How deep? You bet. It's by how far a brain gets to understand the rest. No writer seems to write at rest; It gets so superficial, his words are too light to hold a meaning, a truth or some lesson. If you write them they will be no longer in your head. Do you really wanna know which idea gets be written after all? The one that conquers the writer's mind for the longest time. You don't really like the story, nor it is that it is new to you, you just like the perspective it has given you.

  He doesn't really know what he is writing, but it always feels like a good way to communicate. No matter how far you travel or how many places you visit, you lose if you're not perceiving; life's meanings. It's too sad if you know what's hiding behind a door that could hurt everyone in the room, and yet choose to keep it to yourself. It doesn't matter how hard you work, it only matters how much of your soul gets in it. He likes it when he writes, line by line; it's as if he is not forced, yet not so dying to do it. He sees more than one face that keep visiting his mind while he is on it. Faces he could impress, others he died to see once again. He never knows how much he touches people, they never tell; he is the only one who speaks it, out of his mind. Go through your imagination, write some more of what you've always hoped. Can they hear the sound of his voice in their head, reading through these words to them?  Reality and fiction are very close, yet they never touch. The more of what he remembers the more he writes. How many moments have been so treasured? How many did last? Your needs changes and you end up with your compromising self at the end. Stop searching for truth, there is no truth. Just cherish and salute. How many people don't get at that point of wondering where they are, or what the hell they've been doing? Not much. You only get confused through your options, when you want none of 'em.

Old men will always tell you to appreciate life and never take it for granted; because they know either way that thing you're so confused about keeping or letting go, won't last, and if it does, not in it's so same state. Want a proof? You take so many pictures of the things you mostly are afraid to lose. Idiot he is who invented the picture, he only made us more sad when visiting our so-called memories. Do you know why the world will end, when it is all back to it's raw state? Because things are way better unmodified and when not yet played. They keep inventing things they don't yet know how much they mangle us. Look back a hundred years, everyone was much more happier. You are at your most elated state, when nature is what's only surrounding you. They invented airplanes, yet the most enjoyable thing is a long freshening walk. Light bulbs kept people more at homes, houses and places their minds no longer bear. What's so amazing about having a screen connected to a keypad, when you mostly feel the words running through ink on a paper? What's so beneficial about having a social network when the best crush ever is the one who waves back with a smile; at the first time your eyes meet 'em? Why is the whole world so running at technology, when it's very relieving having none? You crave clarity, yet you can't lead your own path, you let them lead it, and so you stop for none.

What do you understand..

   

    You think you understand everything that goes around you. Do you know that just as you could see something different than how someone else could see it, you could understand things different than others do? See the problem with this world is that we don't have a world reference everyone could go to. People react, think, shout and scream, each because of a different reason. They didn't have the same day as you had, and they don't live your same life.
     Kids see another perspective, too. If you watch a movie and they do, wait till the end of it and ask them to instruct the story, you won't believe. Half of the scenes they didn't catch, and the other half they didn't quite comprehend.
     Have you ever tried asking someone how they see a place? Any place, not a certain space. Try and you won't believe. Ask a depressed friend and a happy one, you won't even seem to know what they're defining. An inferior person sees no beauty, no details, his eyes aren't easily reading. He sees it complex and uninteresting. A bird is a bird and sea is still sea. He's most likely been there many times, he forgot its beauties. Or he may have only been once, but he doesn't seem to portray. His soul is unopened. You'll try and help them, tell them a life adage and they'll tell you they know it, when they only don't understand it the way you do. We call them blind. They're not. There's just too many chemicals in their brain, they can't seem to follow the flow. Forgive their apathy, they don't like their own gray world, they just don't know how to escape it. A person full of joy, will tell you how beautiful a place is, they will even count the colors they see, the blind one spreed. A bird is a flawless feather smashing the air, and a sea is splashing waves of  crystal sparkling fresh succulent liquid.

       

    How strange is a brain? It transcribes and decodes. You shout one word for days and wonder why the other person never seems to perceive. You never see their brain, you never see their heart too. So if you love to speak, you could speak your heart, but a brain can't seem to speak for its own self. Your conscious asks why, your unconscious knows why. Shut the conscious and listen to your whispering unconscious. Your unconscious is your dreams, check them if you need to speak.

   Your conscious is rational and your unconscious is emotional. Your conscious is what keeps your current moment going, your unconscious is responsible for your whole life back and forth. That's why the more feelings you have to something, the more it impacts you, the more it affects you. You don't get to teach a brain by stating, you get to teach it by linking it to an emotion. You don't succeed when you tell yourself everyday you're successful, you only succeed when you remember a moment that you've been mostly feeling successful or a word that once aroused success in you.

     What's life like? It's like a book you once read and really liked. Then came a friend and asked you to inquire 'em. Can you narrate? You can't even seem to get it to complete. Your brain works for you and ironically is responsible for how you work. You'll most likely end it, "if I tell you, you won't quite comprehend it. You must read it yourself, see for yourself, and envision." They might like it, they might not, you can't change that. 
     So why do you always try? If someone doesn't seem to fully understand life, you don't try they won't get it. They didn't read enough, teach themselves enough, experience major moments, take life chances or even bear a crashed crisis. They live on majoring the minors and taking life the elementary way.
     Fortunately though, only one brain is ready to know the difference of an apprehended life or an empty one. A brain that's willing to change itself.

Take me to the park

Well take me to the park. I don't like it here. I remember I was too small to care. Days back then when dreams were little and everything else around was enormous. Just shorts and hair that falls back. Back to where noone stares at your small mass. You were care-free. You don't get to comb or impress, you just care to breathe. Its somewhere noone judges you there. Everyone is your friend. And if you fell off, mom is always there to take care of. The sky is open and you kept playing no joking. Only your favorite show is waiting for back home. You didn't stop every once in a while and wonder why you stammer. You climb and fall. Game by game. Been through 'em all. And if you fell, you cry, you go for a warm hug, you get the pain out, and all the love in. Then you go back and give it one more try. It wasn't easy it was hard. You weren't strong you were thin. Life was hard, though you didn't make so many quotes about it. You always had someone to go back to, now you may still have, but you don't want to. This place was giggly noisy. It was fun, it was harsh. Where on earth and when did we become so smart? Life shouldn't be lived that way. You should think but not with every blink. So take me to the park, or I tell you, let me try. Let me live this world as my own park. Just kiss my pain and leave me to try. I will work hard and I will fail too and every time I will climb the slide back again. I will dress like noone is looking and get back to God everyday because he makes my world so good looking. It won't be as fierce, but promise you won't get too serious. And please don't be so hard, every bad thing you tell me, just breaks my heart. I will try and expect you be my friend, but if you promise me you'll spread the trend.

استعراض..

بغض النظر عن الفالنتاين بس قلت اتكلم عن حاجة اهم لافتة انتباهي من فترة.. فاكر اخر مرة شوفت فيها صورة حسيتها ذكرى حلوة مش استعراض؟ طب فاكرين لما الفيسبوك كان مكان مشاركة مش مسابقة ملوك جمال؟ 

انا بكره انستجرام .. مش عشان الناس مبسوطة وزايطة في لا والله دي حاجة تسعدني بس ليه بتمثيل؟ ليه كل ما بتجيلنا فرصة نستخدم حاجة صح بنبوظها.. 

موضة.. حياتنا كلها موضة.. انا قررت اعمل فيسبوك عشان الناس كلها عاملة مش عشان حاجة.. وبالنسبة لانستجرام بقى عشان الناس كلها راحتله، اهو عندي سبب مقنع اهو..

انا نسيت امتى اخر مرة اتصورت فيها عشان منساش اليوم ده مش عشان افرج الناس قد ايه حياتي جميلة.. اللي اغلبنا ميعرفوش واللي يعرفه ناسييه للأسف ان ظاهري الشئ وكثيري التباهي بيه هم اكثرهم افتقاراً له.. اللي بيهدد دايما ضعيف عشان لو كان في حاجة يقدر يعملها مكنش هدد.. والذكي مبيقولش على نفسه ذكي الناس فيه كده وبتقوله وبيفضل يشكك فيهم عشان لو يوم صدقهم حيخسر ذكائه.. اينشتاين عمره ما قال على نفسه عبقري مع ان العالم كله كان ولسه شايف كده.. حاولت توصللي انت ايه من صورك عشان مجاليش؟

انتي قد كده شايقة انك وحشة والصورة والناس واللايكس بيجملوكي؟ ما اهو اصل مش طبيعي يا جماعة البنت بتحط عشر لعشرين صورة لنفسها في نفس اليوم كل يوم في كل حتة..

حد من اصحابي مرة قالهالي لما قلتله لازم كل يوم اكون فيه مع الناس اللي بحبها اتصور عشان مانساهوش، قاللي فكري فيها ان كل وقت بتضيعيه في الصورة الذكري نفسها بتروح منك ولسخرية القدر انا فعلا روحت وشوفت صوري اللي اتصورتها قبل كده مفتكرتش اي حاجة في اليوم غير اننا كنا بنحاول نتصور ومعملناش حاجة تانية يومها..

الموضة حلوة واللبس الجديد مفيش احلى منه بس المنظرة بتبوظه.. ليه منضيعش وقت على نفسنا اولى بدل ما هي كلها بتعدي على الاقل نفسي ابقالي وحتسأل عنها.. 

حس بالحظة وبقيمتها قبل ما تتباهى بيها.. 

 

الملأ منبهر بس في ملأ اولى انك تخاف/ي منه..

 

مش حتاخد ثواب على البي ام دبليو ثوابك على الناس اللي ساعدتها بيها .. بيتك وعفشه وكده غالي وجميل بس ده مش مقياس حساب، لكن الاستضافة واكرام الضيف ايوه.. حاول تنسى كام واحد حيعرف انك عملت حاجة حلوة واعملها بس عشان هي حلوة لأن ده اسمى..

الوحش في السطحية انها بتستحملش العمق ولا بتمشي معاه، زي لما تقرى كتاب وتبقى نفسك الناس كلها تتعلم منه زي ما انت اتعلمت منه بس للاسف هم مستهيفيينه ومستهيفيين انبهارك انت شخصيا بالعلم..

انا بحب باسم يوسف بس نفسي كان يكون هادف وبدل ما بس يضحكنا كمان يعلمنا.. 

انا قررت ولو وصلت معايا لهنا من المقالة دي حكون سعيدة انك تكون معايا في قراري، ان اي حاجة حعملها بعد كده حعملها عشان ليها لازمة وبسبب مش العكس، مش حعملها وادورلها على سبب مقنع عشان على الاقل يوم اما اُسأل قدام العامة مخذلش ربنا اني استخدمت النعم اللي انعمها عليا اسوأ استخدام وان كان ممكن اولى مني يكون مكاني وانفع لنفسه وللناس بديني.. 

انا مش هنا عشان انصحك انا يمكن بس بفكرك..

 

لو بتحب بقى روح اتفسح ولو لأ روح كل كيك وشكرا..